VanGrossMD | Iranian People To Be Now Known As Uranian…

Iranian People To Be Now Known As Uranian…

Posted by vangrossadmin in Neurosatire and Neuroabsurdia 01 Apr 2015

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By Van Gross, MD

Easter-Passover  Edition 2015


E Pluribus Unum

Modified to E Pluribus Uran…ium

Uranian National Motto-“One Nuclear Bomb from Many Tiny Inconsequential Slabs of Enriched Uranium-
(Some Hidden from John Kerry in places like Russia and North Korea)”


In the wake of the historic agreement with multiple nations to limit its nuclear development program, the country of Iran has opted for a new name so as to “avoid confusion” about its uranium enrichment program.

“We are going with the Uranian Republic of Uranium as our new name,” announced Ayatollah Whateveraz  today.

“People have been asking Iranians  ‘Do you have uranium?’,” he continued. “That question has become increasingly disturbing.  It’s like asking:  Do you have cells in your body? Do you have DNA? Do you have skin? What an insipid question? How can we verify that we have or don’t have uranium when we are the Uranian Republic of Uranium formerly the Iranian Republic of Insanium? Draw your own conclusions IAEA!!

“People would come around and point to Iranians on the street and say: “You see  that  person? He’s Iranian. He harbors uranium.

“Would you want people constantly identifying you as being encased in or sequestering some weighty metal from the Periodic Table of the Elements?

“Okay we are going to be put a radiation proof  lid on that question forever (or for at least 15-25 years as per Bammy O).

“Israel says we should be more modern. Okay you win, Jews.  We are now officially Metals. We are Heavy Metals. We’re blasting out Zeppelin and the John McLaughlin Group doing In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida in Teheran.  Happy?  Break out Queen Esther Madonna, that whorish Jewess who does satirical music videos on a cross and we’ll re-enact the story of Purim that occurred in our ancient Uranian Persian homeland  music videoing  in a sacramental rape and we’ll clone another Haman so he can cause a nuclear explosion into her lower groove line reactor.

“But seriously, folks, take my conjugal sheep, please,” Whateveraz went on.  “We’re more than religious fundamentalists. We’re more than rapists. We’re more than metals. We’re heavy metals. Like far out. Bummer.  Drop acid. Alan Freed. Hendrix. Woodstock.  We deserve medals which are of course made of metal.  We’re Iranians made of metal so we are now officially Uranians or Uraniums or for those who took Advanced Placement courses in Physics, ‘Enriched Uraniums’.”


Plutonium frowning after being accused of being an Enriched Uranium

“Je suis Plutonium” he said.

Individuals from the planet Pluto have expressed some disdain for these “new Enriched Uranium”. “We get discriminated against all over the solar system as many confuse us with this other group of metals simply because we can blow up planets, indicated Pluto spokesalien, Goofy.  “Are we called Bani-Sadr (former Iranian President during Jimmy Carter epoch) by spelling “Bonnie” wrong? Do we take American hostages for like 4000 days? Do we “play John Kerry for a fool” at the negotiating table?  Are we like loony tunes provocateur Bozo H. Ahmadinejad?

Many have complained that calling Iran “Uran” is premature. (by at least 15-25 years according to President Bamaroo H. Obamarooni). You read this excerpt from the just signed Lausanne framework agreement:

Iran is allowed to keep 6,000 uranium centrifuges and operate over 5,000 of them at a given time. It will also be allowed to keep a stockpile of 300 kilograms (660 pounds) of 3.67% enriched uranium, meaning it will have a substantial stock of uranium enriched to 3.5% or lower.

“And you ask yourself,” recapitulated Whateveraz:  Does this sound like a nation that has uranium?

“Well, okay maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t; maybe you’re reading like a dyslexic and actually all the letters are backwards and it really means gibberish.

“But let’s say okay maybe it does mean the Iranians are loaded with uranium. Well hello- that’s why they’re now the Uranian Republic of Uranium. How much more do you need to verify you bunch of IAEA proxies.

The point is Uran will not be using Enriched Uranium to make a nuclear bomb.  Does that stockpile of enriched uranium mean anything? Of  course not. It’s just window dressing. It’s just like the pizza shop in front of some Mob hideout in the back.  Wait a minute, scratch that analogy. Why would someone say that about 660 pounds of enriched uranium, just because it’s a stockpile? How does someone make a house? Well you know how that works. It’s like the stork and where babies come from silly!! Suddenly a plane comes around and airdrops a house onto a lot and there’s your house! You don’t bring raw material to that lot. You don’t bring carpenters and builders and steel and wood and cement.  Suddenly there’s a house. You don’t stockpile parts of a house. Get with the program. It’s the 21st century. This isn’t 14th century  Persia (except for like 99% of Iranian religious rituals.)

Tomb of Abd

Tomb of Abd al Samad, built in 1304 in Uranian city of Natanz
(looks like space travel structures designed by aliens who implanted uranium obsession genes
into Persians)

“Finally,” uttered the Uranian mouthpiece sporting a fresh case of lip dermatitis from minor enrichment radioactivity,” “Others have taken issue with our nuclear plant in Natanz which will still be usable for enrichment. As proud Uraniums, we ask “Enrichment for what? For reading, writing, science, food, music?” Okay, enrichment of uranium. Well fine. Bammy and Kerry and German lady and French man all allowed it. That’s why we’re the Uranian Republic of Uranium!!”

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